Exclusive! An interview with Jeb Bush's Empty Suit

I was lucky enough to arrange an interview with Jeb Bush's Empty Suit (JBES) on this very slow news day:

ME: Good day, Mr. Suit, or may I call you Empty?
JBES: I resent that! Just because Jeb doesn't have any substance, doesn't mean he doesn't take up space! Ya know, I got an offer from [Donald] Trump earlier in the primaries. But Jeb begged me to hang on.
ME: I bet you're kicking yourself now, huh?
JBES: No, I can't. My matching Empty Shoes took the offer. But I'm glad I didn't take the offer the Shoes got. I mean, who wants Trump stepping on you all the time?
ME: I can imagine. Have you heard from Trump lately?
JBES: Nah. I hear he's switching to lighter colored suits for the election. He has to, with all the blonde women around him. After hugging a few of them, he can walk away looking like an Afghan!

Trump after a few hugs?

ME: Speaking of dogs, what are your thoughts on Hillary Clinton?

JBES: Personally, I think she'd look better with me on her than some of her empty suits. But what do I know? I got nothing.

ME: How about Marco Rubio?

JBES: Talk about empty suits! Remember that debate when he started repeating his canned response over and over? The problem was they got the microphone too close to his empty suit, and they started picking up the echoes. I felt bad for his empty suit.

ME: So what do you think about Jeb's brother, George W.?

JBES: I probably shouldn't say this, but I used to be his suit. After he left office, I was a hand-me-down to Jeb. It was funny too, cause Dubya told Jeb that I was the suit he wore on 9/11, which was totally untrue. But Jeb ate it up. Fortunately, Dubya made him promise not to tell anyone, which meant Jeb immediately told his wife, who told Barbara Bush, who immediately chastised Dubya for tricking his brother that way. Truth be told, what goes on behind the scenes with the Bushes is far more interesting than their public face. What's even funnier is that, to this day, nobody has yet told Jeb the truth about me. So he still calls me "9/11" when we're alone. *laughs*

Bush's actual 9/11 suit

ME: What about papa Bush, George H.W.?
JBES: How old do you think I am? But seriously, I do know a funny story about him. After Saddam Hussein attacked Kuwait, Bush was totally bamboozled about what to do. So he called all his top people together that night. General Norman Schwarzkopf had been drinking a little too heavily, and watching Patton. So when Bush asked for ideas, they got to Norm and he gives this glorious speech about taking their capital. By the time he's finished, he has everyone on their feet applauding. So Bush says, "So it's agreed. We will attack Iraq." Then Norman whispers to Colin Powell, "Iraq? I thought we were talking about Russia?"