Hamilton Speaks

I was pleased to hear about the U.S. government replacing Andrew Jackson on the $20 bill with Harriet Tubman. While there is much talk about it, and certainly Tubman is deserving, nobody is talking about how Alexander Hamilton remains on the $10 bill, especially since he was originally the target to be replaced by a woman.

Fortunately, I managed to catch up with Mr. Hamilton for an interview.

TRUTH: Thank you for agreeing to this interview, Mr. Hamilton.

HAMILTON: 'Twas not possible for me to disagree to it! Been dead for over 200 years now. Exactly where was I to go?

TRUTH: Anyway, so what did you think about Andrew Jackson being removed from the $20 bill?

HAMILTON: When I first heard they were going to remove me for a woman, I was quite upset. With my Constitution getting all ripped up by you fools, the sawbuck was about my only legacy. I guess I dodged a bullet with that one, aye?

TRUTH: Yes you did, sir. In other news, it was reported the Treasury will be replacing the Treasury Building on the back of the $10 bill with pictures of the women's suffrage movement (Sojourner Truth, Susan B. Anthony, Elizabeth Cady Stanton, Alice Paul and Lucretia Mott). Any thoughts on this?

HAMILTON: It is all a bit of silliness. If you look back on the original Constitution, there was no "right to vote". Now you blokes have turned around and given away the keys to the house. You even have 18 year olds voting. You have not even stopped to ask yourself if it was a good idea? Letting a bunch of people vote whom you will not even let imbibe alcohol? Rather daft if you ask me.

TRUTH: Yes, but what about women's suffrage?

HAMILTON: You should ask what I think about suffrage in the entirety. When you start handing out suffrage like candy to children, you end up with a government of grifters who have fooled the people into voting for them. Voting rights should not be about age or sex or even skin color. They should be for the landed gentry. 

TRUTH: So only land owners should be allowed to vote?

HAMILTON: Did you learn nothing from the last economic collapse? What happened when you tried to allow the poorest among you to own land? Do you often collapse your economy this way? As one of your simpleton philosophers said, "Stupid is as stupid does." They are not poor because they are responsible. 

TRUTH: But what about people who are only poor because of being born into poor circumstances?

HAMILTON: Then they will rise from it and acquire land, and the ability to vote too. Do you modern folk always assume the world is static? Have you not watched Game of Thrones?

TRUTH: You watched Game of Thrones?

HAMILTON: Naturally. It is one of the perks of the afterlife: Free HBO.

TRUTH: Back to the topic, why should only land owners be allowed to vote?

HAMILTON: I chose land ownership because it was the standard for responsible behavior of my time. Pick what you like: net worth, iPhone owners, et cetera. Poll taxes were another good idea until some racists got a hold of them. In summary, my point is that voting should be a privilege, not a right, and only for those who have demonstrated intelligence or some other skill beneficial to the country.

TRUTH: Like athletes?

HAMILTON: Of course. I still have my Bulls #23 shirt.

TRUTH: You're a basketball fan?

HAMILTON: Naturally. I invented the sport. Do you know how much paper I consumed for the Constitution? Every time I made a mistake, it was "Hamilton shoots...HE SCORES! And the crowd goes wild!"

TRUTH: But they didn't have organized basketball in your time? There couldn't have been crowds!

HAMILTON: Are you calling me a liar? You sound just like Burr!

At this point, Hamilton walked out on the interview. Apparently, they had prima donnas back then, too.